When I was growing up I had a soft shell. Everything that even remotely could be considered a dig (even if it was playful ribbing) was taken as a insult or demeaning. It didn't help that in my small middle school there was a popular crowd and the very UNpopular crowd (you can guess which one I was in. Hint: not the first group). I wanted desperately to fit in and I couldn't manage it. I was (and still am) socially awkward To protect myself against hurt I tried to create a tough outer shell and biting attitude. The attitude, ironically, only got worse around the people who loved me the most.
Luckily I have wonderful parents that understood what was going on. Instead of berating me for what I can only assume was an over reaction to everything, they would lovingly tell me "Kinder Gentler Jessie". I remember my parents telling me that they loved me for who I was and that they were sad that I was hiding behind a tough exterior. They showed me that although the world is tough and sometimes hurts that I didn't have to be like it. I could continue being who I was. Every time I was sharp and had a mean edge my parents would quietly say "Kinder Gentler Jessie".
This lesson still applies in my life today. Although I feel I grew up and let go of most of the hurt from the past, sometimes the actions I learned long ago still assert themselves. One particular Friday I was having a really rough day. Work wasn't going well, I was frustrated, and I didn't feel like the situation was going to be better. The fact that the weekend was hours away did not make this feeling any less. In fact, it felt worse because the week was over and I felt like nothing had been accomplished from Monday, that I had just been a spinning cog in a wheel. I was talking to a close friend of mine and was taking out my frustration and presenting a hard front which resulted in me needlessly harsh and judgemental. The response was quick "I don't think I like Friday Jess."
In a flash I was back in my kitchen hearing my mom's voice saying "You need to be a kinder and gentler Jessie". I apologized to my friend and tried to remember that I do not have to be a reflection of my situation.
Proves that sometimes a lesson is never fully learned
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
THON is not the only thing out there
For those of you who don't know THON is the common calling of the Pennsylvania State University's IFC/Panhellenic Dance Marathon. You can see why we use the nickname. Every year thousands of students work tirelessly to raise money for the awareness and support for kids who have cancer. It begins at the beginning of the school year when organizations start fundraising, canning, and raising awareness for pediatric cancer by asking for corporate sponsors and standing on the corners of streets asking for small donations. It culminates in the middle of February where members of these organizations and individuals who have raised a lot of money stand, dance, and sing for 46 hours straight and basically at the end all but cease to function.
This weekend is THON. As a PSU Alum and someone who has been a part of thon as a fundraiser, on the finance committee, on the OPP committee, and as a supporter in the crowd I can say that this is one amazing cause. But (and this is where other PSU Fanatics will burn me at the stake) it isn't the be all and end all of charity.
Frequently I was frowned upon in my organizations because I would only go canning once a year. I made no bones about the fact that while I thought it was a good cause I would rather donate my $10 than give up a weekend of studying (yes I did study Mom and Dad). I applaud those that gave a lot of time and money and effort into making THON what it is and it is truly a great thing, but it does not make you better than me. I had my own charities, I was in habitat for humanity freshman year, I served soup at homeless shelter, I donated towards breast cancer, and raised money for those who have Sarcoidosis. And don't even get me started on the reactions to those who didn't want to participate in THON at all.
I just want to remind everyone that any good put out there is FANTASTIC. You don't need to be a part of something huge to make a difference. But to those involved with THON this weekend I wish you all the luck and I can't wait to see what y'all have done this year. I know it will be awesome.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
The Friendzone and My Perspective
You like a guy/girl and three things can happen:
1) They like you back! Congrats! Go forth into the world and clutter our facebook newsfeed with unnecessarily cute things.
2) Ew gross you have cooties. Console yourself with some Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge. But don't worry, plenty of fish in the sea.
3) "Aww you're so great! Your like a sister/brother to me, I wish my significant other was more like you." Welcome to a special sort of Hell known as the friendzone.
I have had the unfortunate experience of being in the friendzone as well as having (regretfully) friendzoned some people in my earlier college days. It's a crappy crappy place to be and I know how much it can suck but let me tell you something. It isn't anyone's fault. To those zoned: Just because you are nice to him/her doesn't mean that you get a free pass into the sacred halls of dating them. Being nice is just a basic necessity of being human. Just because you are there to listen to their problems and give advice doesn't mean that you have a right to a date or two because listening and giving advice is what FRIENDS DO!
This also doesn't give free reign. To those doing the zoning: If you are asking your friend to go get you Stouffers mac and cheese at 2 AM from the 24 hour Walmart 45 minutes away because you just can't STAND Kraft, then sorry chicka (dude) you are taking advantage of your friend. You also can't treat them as an occasional hook up buddy. It's not fair to treat their affections as an emotional buffer. The best way to determine if you are taking advantage is to compare your actions with them to what you would do with another of your friends. If your best friend wouldn't do it then there is a good chance if they were acting only in friendship they wouldn't be doing it either. If you ask for these favors AND you are aware of their feelings then you need to evaluate your personal values and they should evaluate whether you are worth their affection.
In the end there is always a choice to be made: to stay friends with this person or to get some distance. If the decision to stay has been made then those zoned need to accept that they may only remain friends. I am not saying that one can not exit the friend zone and end up with the object of affection (my ex boyfriend was friend-zoned for a while before we dated) but the chances of it happening are slim. If the decision has been made in favor of distancing thmeselves then both parties need to let that happen. The emotional well being of your friend should take precedence of the need for the friendship.
1) They like you back! Congrats! Go forth into the world and clutter our facebook newsfeed with unnecessarily cute things.
2) Ew gross you have cooties. Console yourself with some Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge. But don't worry, plenty of fish in the sea.
3) "Aww you're so great! Your like a sister/brother to me, I wish my significant other was more like you." Welcome to a special sort of Hell known as the friendzone.
I have had the unfortunate experience of being in the friendzone as well as having (regretfully) friendzoned some people in my earlier college days. It's a crappy crappy place to be and I know how much it can suck but let me tell you something. It isn't anyone's fault. To those zoned: Just because you are nice to him/her doesn't mean that you get a free pass into the sacred halls of dating them. Being nice is just a basic necessity of being human. Just because you are there to listen to their problems and give advice doesn't mean that you have a right to a date or two because listening and giving advice is what FRIENDS DO!
This also doesn't give free reign. To those doing the zoning: If you are asking your friend to go get you Stouffers mac and cheese at 2 AM from the 24 hour Walmart 45 minutes away because you just can't STAND Kraft, then sorry chicka (dude) you are taking advantage of your friend. You also can't treat them as an occasional hook up buddy. It's not fair to treat their affections as an emotional buffer. The best way to determine if you are taking advantage is to compare your actions with them to what you would do with another of your friends. If your best friend wouldn't do it then there is a good chance if they were acting only in friendship they wouldn't be doing it either. If you ask for these favors AND you are aware of their feelings then you need to evaluate your personal values and they should evaluate whether you are worth their affection.
In the end there is always a choice to be made: to stay friends with this person or to get some distance. If the decision to stay has been made then those zoned need to accept that they may only remain friends. I am not saying that one can not exit the friend zone and end up with the object of affection (my ex boyfriend was friend-zoned for a while before we dated) but the chances of it happening are slim. If the decision has been made in favor of distancing thmeselves then both parties need to let that happen. The emotional well being of your friend should take precedence of the need for the friendship.
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