The Friendzone and My Perspective

You like a guy/girl and three things can happen:

1) They like you back! Congrats! Go forth into the world and clutter our facebook newsfeed with unnecessarily cute things.
2) Ew gross you have cooties. Console yourself with some Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge. But don't worry, plenty of fish in the sea.
3) "Aww you're so great! Your like a sister/brother to me, I wish my significant other was more like you." Welcome to a special sort of Hell known as the friendzone.

I have had the unfortunate experience of being in the friendzone as well as having (regretfully) friendzoned some people in my earlier college days. It's a crappy crappy place to be and I know how much it can suck but let me tell you something. It isn't anyone's fault. To those zoned: Just because you are nice to him/her doesn't mean that you get a free pass into the sacred halls of dating them. Being nice is just a basic necessity of being human. Just because you are there to listen to their problems and give advice doesn't mean that you have a right to a date or two because listening and giving advice is what FRIENDS DO!

This also doesn't give free reign. To those doing the zoning: If you are asking your friend to go get you Stouffers mac and cheese at 2 AM from the 24 hour Walmart 45 minutes away because you just can't STAND Kraft, then sorry chicka (dude) you are taking advantage of your friend. You also can't treat them as an occasional hook up buddy. It's not fair to treat their affections as an emotional buffer. The best way to determine if you are taking advantage is to compare your actions with them to what you would do with another of your friends. If your best friend wouldn't do it then there is a good chance if they were acting only in friendship they wouldn't be doing it either. If you ask for these favors AND you are aware of their feelings then you need to evaluate your personal values and they should evaluate whether you are worth their affection.

In the end there is always a choice to be made: to stay friends with this person or to get some distance. If the decision to stay has been made then those zoned need to accept that they may only remain friends. I am not saying that one can not exit the friend zone and end up with the object of affection (my ex boyfriend was friend-zoned for a while before we dated) but the chances of it happening are slim. If the decision has been made in favor of distancing thmeselves then both parties need to let that happen. The emotional well being of your friend should take precedence of the need for the friendship.

Future

I think it's time I had a long talk with the man upstairs about where he wants my career to go - because I , for one, have no idea.

Well it's time to get personal

This post has been left as a draft on my blog for almost 3 months. I have debated time and time again on whether to publish it and now that I am, I am having trouble thinking of a title for this post. I don't know if it is a rant about how women are portrayed in the media, a plea for understanding, just a story of my experience, or a combination of all three.

I recently saw a rerun of Modern family in which the concept of PMS was explored in the leap day episode. I have mixed feeling about this episode. On one hand it shows the women being rational and only acting crazy in response to the men's over-reaction to the fact that they are all PMS-ing (which is something the men in the show admit to not understanding and liking it to the women being "monsters"). On the other hand it shows them pouring orange juice into cereal, putting two socks on one foot, and hysterically crying to the Sara McLaughlin ASPCA commercial (that last one is feasible though, even without added hormones those commericals are designed to pull your heart strings). I enjoyed seeing the writers show that women can be rational during that time of the month, that sometimes it is the craziness of others that we respond harshly to but it ruins it by showing the women do random nonsensical acts to promote the idea that, in some way, the men's responses are justified.

This "justification" flows into real world  as well. I suffer from heavy cramps and mood swings. I take medication each month to counter act the effects of the cramps and I track my mentrual cycle so that I can be aware of when my reactions are a result of increased hormone level or they are actually how I feel. I do all of this so that I can function just as well as other women and men on any given day. Sometimes the medication does not work and I will have to leave work early. I do not get special treatment for this. I do not want special treatment for it. It is treated as if I had a cold or the flu and I have to take time off of work. Once my available days at work are used up I can either A) choose to stay at work or B) take unpaid day off. This is not any different than any other medical reason to leave work and let me say that it IS a medical condition.

In the past I have been accused of using my condition as 1) an excuse to get out of work early 2) A pathetic attempt to get attention 3) a form of manipulation. And not only by men, women have said the same. I think that is just stupid. Yes stupid. I am sure that there are some women that use PMS to their advantage and this makes it harder for people who actually have serious issues with it to be taken seriously, especially those who have PMDD (a more severe form of PMS). When I am told that it "isn't that big of a deal" and "to get over it", it makes me feel less because of something that I was born with and that I have tried to control since I was 13.

I guess this is just a post for those who are in the same situation to say that you aren't alone. If you haven't already, go to the doctors to see what can be done to manage the pain and hormonal swings. Most of all don't let what other people say define who you are. Keep your head high.