The dating woman in 21st century America

Well I fully intended my next post to be an update about India and visiting my sister in London/Oxford and I promise that is coming. And in all honesty I was going to go to bed but I think that some truth needs to be shed on something that maybe we overlook in the day to day.

Let me first say that I am truly truly blessed to live in this day and age. I live in a country that with religious freedom (although sometimes the denigration of Christian is becoming more and more apparent), I live in a world where I can say what I feel, be what I want, and do what I want. Which is more than many women have around the world but I don't want those around me to forget that sometimes our culture is so "forward thinking" that we go backwards.

Before I left for India I heard the song Blurred Lines. I loved it. It had a great beat and a catchy tune. Two days ago I heard the lyrics. Today I saw the official music video and I am ashamed that this is something that I danced to.

In case you don't know, Blurred Lines is a song sung by Robin Thicke featuring well known rappers T.I. and producer Pharrell Williams. Now I have to admit that in listening to the lyrics they don't seem all that bad. Only one line really stuck out to me as grossly inappropriate but that didn't put me off. But after watching the music video, which was intended to be a "tongue in cheek" video mocking the current rap industry I have to say that they stepped out of line. In this topless women in thongs are dancing around fully clothed men. Sad to say that this is not unusual when it comes to music videos but what really got me was a teeny tiny stop sign on a woman's rear end. At this point when in conjunction with some of the lyrics from the song I got the strong impression that they were completely ignoring something that has been bothering me lately about our country. The idea that no does not always mean no. But hey it's ok cause Robin Thicke has a wife and kids. That makes it ok to hold women to such a low standard socially and a high standard physically (seriously all those girls were a size 0 with huge [fake] breasts).

We have been making ridiculous strides in our country over the past 50-60 years. Women no longer have to work from home, they can be the breadwinners, we have women lawyers, judges, congressmen, and senators. These are amazing feats and we should celebrate them but we still have a long way to go. We are honored for our brains not just our beauty. Or sometimes we are. In some areas we are. But sometimes in very big ways, we are not.

Take for example the popular website imgur. Imgur hosts photo sharing in which photos are shared for laughs, to reflect political ideals, religious ideals, to bring awareness, to show off drawings, or just to feel connected. I have an account on this website but many a times I have been told "to get back to the Kitchen" or "Go make me a sandwich" mainly because of my sex. This is regardless of the fact that I have a degree from a top university, make just as much as the men in my department, and that I probably have a firmer grasp of who I am and what I can do for the world that some of the people on that website. Purely by a choice of an X or a Y I am relegated to serving food. Let me say clearly - SCREW THAT.

I have chosen for myself what I am going to be in life. Right now I am a late 20s world traveler. If you took the number of cities and countries and states that I have been to and added them together that number might be higher than the number of miles some people have been from their house. Maybe later I might be a mom, even more I might be a stay at home mom but that is a choice I will make WITH my husband when the time is right. It will not be defined by the gender that I was born.

Sadly not all my choices get to be my own. When going on a date, I take extra precautions. If I am lucky I might have known the guy for a while. More likely than not, a friend has vouched for him. But as this limits the number of dates I would go on and possibly the number of amazing people I would meet sometimes the inevitable date with someone you might not know all that well is... well... inevitable.  In this scenario, as a woman I might take precautions that men don't have to. I tell my roommates the guy's name, where we are going, how I met him, a time they can expect me home, and maybe his cell number. In case, you know the Morgan from the BAU needs to rescue me. The truly sad thing is that I do not find this weird. It is something I have done since I started dating. This is the norm.

On dates, I have to be clear and upfront from the beginning what the expectations are. Most times guys understand and if all they are looking for is sex, we part amicably. Sometimes, they don't get that my saying "it is late, I am going home" IS my final response. I had one guy ask me three times in the space of 5 minutes to go back to his place with him. The first round of denial was not accepted as the final answer. When it became clear that my intention really was to end the night by taking a taxi home I was called a bitch and a tease. Oh not to my face. No, it was under his breath. Asshat. The truth is that these guys are not common in my life but even once is too many times.

Now not all guys are dangerous, heck 90% of them are really genuinely amazing and nice guys. I am proud to say that I know a lot of these guys. But the chance that one isn't a great guy is too great of a chance to take with my safety. The numbers are staggering. Even when a rape is reported, which is an astonishingly low percentage (estimated at around 45%), only 12% result in arrest, 9 % are taken to trial and only about 3% of rapists will see a day in jail. (all stats from RAINN).

This need to protect myself won't ever really go away. I will always be physically weaker than most men but when songs have lyrics in it like "I know You want it" and "I know you're an animal, it's in your nature. Just let me liberate 'cha" (but hey it's ok cause normally he respects woman and can prove it because he is married) it makes me feel like this ideal is being perpetuated instead of halted in it's tracks. That we are making the world more dangerous instead of trying to make it safer.

Tumblr down the Rabbit Hole

So last fall my wonderful friend Ali and I decided to do a half marathon. The problem is we didn't decide on a marathon until the end of this January. Which meant that I didn't have to start training until the end of this January. Luckily Ali knows me and sent me an easy schedule to follow and it has been a blast.

My schedule usually involves me going to the Gym after getting back to the hotel after a long day. After grabbing some dinner and studying (or getting sucked into TV) I head to the Gym. This usually resulted in me going at 10 PM or later. I needed to find a source of motivation to get my Butt to the gym. I had hoped to find it in Tumblr.

Tumblr, for those who don't know, is a social media site that allows what has come to be known as micro blogging.  Small snippets of information that then get shown on your homepage.I joined a while back but hadn't done anything much with it. I knew it to be place where pictures could be shown and searched for fairly easily. I figured finding inspiration on this site would be easy.

I hated how right I was. Within moments of searching for "Fit inspiration" on tumblr I got inundated with posts of extremely skinny girls with quotes and tags like "OMG look at her thigh gap. I want one." or "You can see her collarbone so clearly. #MyGoal". It's even worse if you look up thin. There are pictures of women who clearly have an eating disorder and these images are being passed around from one woman to girl to woman again as the ideal for what they want to look like. It's only slight better for those who want to be fit. Pictures of women whose hair and make up are perfect, who make doing pull ups easy, are barely sweating, oh yeah and on top of it all they just happen to do it in tiny running shorts and a sports bra.

Ummmm No. To all of this. This is unhealthy. Going to the gym isn't easy. You don't look fabulous, or you shouldn't at the end if you have been training right. It's hard work and at the end of the day most body types don't allow for a thigh gap (and really when did that become a thing?) or collar/hip bones that stand out. We should be focusing on showing people how to eat right and by golly if they want a chickfila chicken sandwich on a saturday then they should eat it. If they are tired and want a day to just relax then they should have it. And they shouldn't feel guilty for it. So many of these pictures and motivational pages have subtle message saying if you don't do it you won't meet your goal.

 Should people be fit? Of course they should. But that doesn't mean that they have to start bench pressing and doing squats. Being fit for one person may mean competing in muscle man type of things and for others it might be a walk or playing in the park with their kids and the new dog.

Because let me tell you something. I won't have a thigh gap, I won't have a collar bone that sticks out, I might not weigh 120 ever and I can gaurantee you that I will not be going perfectly coiffed to do my exercises ESPECIALLY if I am in what is essentially underwear. And you know what? I am 100% ok with it.

THON is not the only thing out there

For those of you who don't know THON is the common calling of the Pennsylvania State University's IFC/Panhellenic Dance Marathon. You can see why we use the nickname. Every year thousands of students work tirelessly to raise money for the awareness and support for kids who have cancer. It begins at the beginning of the school year when organizations start fundraising, canning, and raising awareness for pediatric cancer by asking for corporate sponsors and standing on the corners of streets asking for small donations. It culminates in the middle of February where members of these organizations and individuals who have raised a lot of money stand, dance, and sing for 46 hours straight and basically at the end all but cease to function.

This weekend is THON. As a PSU Alum and someone who has been a part of thon as a fundraiser, on the finance committee, on the OPP committee, and as a supporter in the crowd I can say that this is one amazing cause. But (and this is where other PSU Fanatics will burn me at the stake) it isn't the be all and end all of charity.

Frequently I was frowned upon in my organizations because I would only go canning once a year. I made no bones about the fact that while I thought it was a good cause I would rather donate my $10 than give up a weekend of studying (yes I did study Mom and Dad). I applaud those that gave a lot of time and money and effort into making THON what it is and it is truly a great thing, but it does not make you better than me. I had my own charities, I was in habitat for humanity freshman year, I served soup at homeless shelter, I donated towards breast cancer, and raised money for those who have Sarcoidosis. And don't even get me started on the reactions to those who didn't want to participate in THON at all.

I just want to remind everyone that any good put out there is FANTASTIC. You don't need to be a part of something huge to make a difference. But to those involved with THON this weekend I wish you all the luck and I can't wait to see what y'all have done this year. I know it will be awesome.

The Friendzone and My Perspective

You like a guy/girl and three things can happen:

1) They like you back! Congrats! Go forth into the world and clutter our facebook newsfeed with unnecessarily cute things.
2) Ew gross you have cooties. Console yourself with some Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge. But don't worry, plenty of fish in the sea.
3) "Aww you're so great! Your like a sister/brother to me, I wish my significant other was more like you." Welcome to a special sort of Hell known as the friendzone.

I have had the unfortunate experience of being in the friendzone as well as having (regretfully) friendzoned some people in my earlier college days. It's a crappy crappy place to be and I know how much it can suck but let me tell you something. It isn't anyone's fault. To those zoned: Just because you are nice to him/her doesn't mean that you get a free pass into the sacred halls of dating them. Being nice is just a basic necessity of being human. Just because you are there to listen to their problems and give advice doesn't mean that you have a right to a date or two because listening and giving advice is what FRIENDS DO!

This also doesn't give free reign. To those doing the zoning: If you are asking your friend to go get you Stouffers mac and cheese at 2 AM from the 24 hour Walmart 45 minutes away because you just can't STAND Kraft, then sorry chicka (dude) you are taking advantage of your friend. You also can't treat them as an occasional hook up buddy. It's not fair to treat their affections as an emotional buffer. The best way to determine if you are taking advantage is to compare your actions with them to what you would do with another of your friends. If your best friend wouldn't do it then there is a good chance if they were acting only in friendship they wouldn't be doing it either. If you ask for these favors AND you are aware of their feelings then you need to evaluate your personal values and they should evaluate whether you are worth their affection.

In the end there is always a choice to be made: to stay friends with this person or to get some distance. If the decision to stay has been made then those zoned need to accept that they may only remain friends. I am not saying that one can not exit the friend zone and end up with the object of affection (my ex boyfriend was friend-zoned for a while before we dated) but the chances of it happening are slim. If the decision has been made in favor of distancing thmeselves then both parties need to let that happen. The emotional well being of your friend should take precedence of the need for the friendship.

Redefining the past

A lot of people I know want to go back to the "good ole days",whether it be bringing 90's nickelodeon back, bringing the 60's hippie culture back, or returning to the days where the press reported only facts. People are passionate about a time when life seemed simpler. There are Facebook groups dedicated to each of these ideals. In theory, this is a good thing but the practicality of it may not be.

The human race has a whole host of biases that go into each and every moment of the day. There are judgement biases, media bias, belief bias, social bias, the list goes on and on. One bias in particular is a memory bias called Rosy Retrospective. In this bias, the events of the past are seen favorably, meaning we forget the bad and embrace that which was good.

Recalling a memory accurately is harder to do as time passes, unless you relive that memory frequently. Each time a memory is relived you imprint that memory onto new cells (if I understand the science correctly, I might not... Medical journals go over my head) which are easier to "access" later. If you alter something in this memory and then recall that memory with the same alteration, the original memory will still be harder to recall. When we choose to remember the good and not the bad, we are making the good easier to remember. This is a mechanism of self preservation. If we remembered how hard it was in the past and all you see ahead of you is the same hardship would you continue on?

You can even have rosy retrospective about something you did not live. The best example of this is viewing kindly America's past. We look back at our founding fathers and say "that was a good time". We remember discovering a new land, the signing of the declaration of independence, we remember how we stood up and joined in WWII, we remember the 50's and the simplicity of life that was presented to us in our history books. We forget that to claim the "new land" we forced many people out of the homes, killed entire nations, and brought infectious disease. We often forget that when the founding fathers wrote the declaration of independence we owned slaves. We forget that we didn't join WWII until we were attacked at Pearl harbor and the war had been going on for years before we joined. We forget that in the 50's it was unthinkable for a woman who wanted to be a mom to also work outside the home and divorcees were shunned from "respectable" women.

The issues that we are discussing today are not any different than those in the past. We have come very far but we have a long way to go. Gun laws have been debated in the past and they will continue to be debated as long as they are used to kill and since that is the intention of the gun (whether for humans or animals) the issue of the gun laws will never go away. They may abate for a time but they will not be resolved. The issue of abortion will not go away. Until the entire world believes in one thing there will be abortions, legal or otherwise. Until everyone has a job unemployment, welfare, and any social assistance will be debated. They were debated in the past and they will be debated in the future.

The best that we can hope for is to look to the past honestly and determine where we went wrong and where we should go from there. This means removing the rose colored glasses, taking a cool sip of water, and being honest with ourselves as a collective. Then maybe once and for all we can admit that Clarissa Explains It All had horrible acting and that Ice Ice Baby is on par with Baby Baby Baby (oohh!!).

Doing right in the face of oppression

For a while now I have loved reading dystopian novels. Mainly because it deals with a brave individual who fights for what is right despite opposition and oppression. The Hunger Games, Matched Series, The Uglies series, etc. I love the story of those who realize that their world isn't all that they want it to be and fight for a change. I love even more the Uglies series in which all the main character wants to do is fit in and yet is constantly challenged with the fact that "fitting in" would result in giving up an integral part of herself.

This Christmas I finally saw Lincoln. There were two things that hit me very hard in this movie that I hope I remember forever 1) war is personal. Maybe if we still fought hand to hand, had to see every face inches from your own when we killed, we would not be so eager to jump into the fray. I am sure those who have been in combat can attest to the horrors but that is another topic for another post. The second thing I realized was 2) Lincoln had a very very hard job to do and sometimes we forget that to some this was not seen an obvious wrong that needed to be righted. Half of the country was opposed, some of them within Lincoln's own party.

We live with the fact that the Northern States won over the Southern Confederation every day. You might not know it but each morning we wake up, 50 states undivided, and continue with our lives. Growing up I had an interracial couple for my backdoor neighbors. We played with their kids, got pushed on the swings by their grandfather affectionately known as Grandpa Joe to the neighborhood kids, and really none of this seemed out of place. How can you think that something is unique if it is the only thing that you have ever known. I didn't realize then and I am just realizing now the enormity of what has been accomplished.

I only have the movie to go on (which probably had some dramatizing involved so I apologize for any inaccuracies) but Lincoln pushed through the 13th Amendment with the threat (yes threat) of peace over his head. Lincoln used the civil war as leverage to push that in the eyes of the law ALL men are created equal. Now we won't get into Jim Crow laws or the following struggle to have this amendment reflected in society (and the racism that is still evident in parts of our country) but this is amazing. The first time the constitution mentions slavery is to reflect that it was illegal.

In the books I read there are obvious sides. In life this is not the case. President Lincoln was a leader of a great Nation and he was fighting even those within his own party to right the wrong. The main characters in the book only have to fight those that would oppress them. Lincoln, by what I saw in the movie, could have made peace ended the war, demanded surrender terms, and maintained his good standing with those who trusted him to act in their stead. Instead he fought for those that had no voice. He pushed off ending the war, killing many more men, to ensure that we could move forward as a Nation that would not have slavery.

With hindsight there are clear sides to this issue but those same people who stood on either side of this issue also stood next to their oppositions on other issues. This has always been the case and will continue to be the case in the future. Issues do not stand alone in a vacuum. I wish they did. But I have come to realize that nothing will be as clear cut as it is in the books. Changing one thing changes the whole. This is hardly addressed in these books because the clean up after the change is almost as hard as the change itself. America can attest to that.

 Looking back I can applaud Lincoln for what he did, how could I not? But what if my son, brother, father, or husband died in that last battle while he pushed off peace? What if I lost my home, living, family, or life in the pursuit of it? Would I applaud? I don't know. I would like to think that I would have said it was worth it. That the price I and others had to pay was worth what was gained. What if I fought for the other side? What if I thought that the southern economy would not survive? If I had to pay such a great price and still at the end of the war, lose the world that I had known, would I have applauded even if I opposed slavery?

I can't answer these questions. I have never been challenged in such a way. Maybe I read those books to be more like the heroes and heroines. So that if the time comes when I need to pay the price I can look back and say it was worth it.

The die has been cast

Today at 8:07 AM EST I cast my vote for who should be the next president.

It was a different feel than what I anticipated. The past two times I have voted has been at the Penn State HUB. Students shove leaflets in your hands, the same ones that you slip on as you make you way to the front of the line.

Standing in line at Penn State I always felt like I was performing an obligation, something I had to do because I was an american and to do otherwise would just be.... well un-american. Not to mention my family wouldn't speak to me for a week.

Today felt different. I don't know if it is because I am older or maybe cause I took the time to research my candidates but today felt good. Like I had done something positive.

I heard one grandmother explaining to her granddaughter that it wasn't because of WHO she was that she couldn't vote but because she wasn't old enough. (To which she promptly responded with "o.k. I will vote when I am 5"). I am blessed to live in a country that continually strives for equality. It's hard and it's rough and the growing pains hurt but today is one day that I can take pride in. Not because I am helping in choosing our future, but because 236 years ago my country decided that taxation without representation in front of The Crown was wrong, 143 years ago we acknowledged that race could not determine who got elect a president, and 92 years ago we acknowledged that gender could not factor in granting voting rights. Four years ago we elected our first African American President. Hopefully it will not be another 92 before we have our first Woman President.




This all happened because we voted, we determined our course.

I am proud to be a part of the country and today, when so many conflicting ideas are being posted, tweeted, or blogged, I am glad that I can look back and see who we were and be proud of who we are today.

Well it's time to get personal

This post has been left as a draft on my blog for almost 3 months. I have debated time and time again on whether to publish it and now that I am, I am having trouble thinking of a title for this post. I don't know if it is a rant about how women are portrayed in the media, a plea for understanding, just a story of my experience, or a combination of all three.

I recently saw a rerun of Modern family in which the concept of PMS was explored in the leap day episode. I have mixed feeling about this episode. On one hand it shows the women being rational and only acting crazy in response to the men's over-reaction to the fact that they are all PMS-ing (which is something the men in the show admit to not understanding and liking it to the women being "monsters"). On the other hand it shows them pouring orange juice into cereal, putting two socks on one foot, and hysterically crying to the Sara McLaughlin ASPCA commercial (that last one is feasible though, even without added hormones those commericals are designed to pull your heart strings). I enjoyed seeing the writers show that women can be rational during that time of the month, that sometimes it is the craziness of others that we respond harshly to but it ruins it by showing the women do random nonsensical acts to promote the idea that, in some way, the men's responses are justified.

This "justification" flows into real world  as well. I suffer from heavy cramps and mood swings. I take medication each month to counter act the effects of the cramps and I track my mentrual cycle so that I can be aware of when my reactions are a result of increased hormone level or they are actually how I feel. I do all of this so that I can function just as well as other women and men on any given day. Sometimes the medication does not work and I will have to leave work early. I do not get special treatment for this. I do not want special treatment for it. It is treated as if I had a cold or the flu and I have to take time off of work. Once my available days at work are used up I can either A) choose to stay at work or B) take unpaid day off. This is not any different than any other medical reason to leave work and let me say that it IS a medical condition.

In the past I have been accused of using my condition as 1) an excuse to get out of work early 2) A pathetic attempt to get attention 3) a form of manipulation. And not only by men, women have said the same. I think that is just stupid. Yes stupid. I am sure that there are some women that use PMS to their advantage and this makes it harder for people who actually have serious issues with it to be taken seriously, especially those who have PMDD (a more severe form of PMS). When I am told that it "isn't that big of a deal" and "to get over it", it makes me feel less because of something that I was born with and that I have tried to control since I was 13.

I guess this is just a post for those who are in the same situation to say that you aren't alone. If you haven't already, go to the doctors to see what can be done to manage the pain and hormonal swings. Most of all don't let what other people say define who you are. Keep your head high.