The dating woman in 21st century America

Well I fully intended my next post to be an update about India and visiting my sister in London/Oxford and I promise that is coming. And in all honesty I was going to go to bed but I think that some truth needs to be shed on something that maybe we overlook in the day to day.

Let me first say that I am truly truly blessed to live in this day and age. I live in a country that with religious freedom (although sometimes the denigration of Christian is becoming more and more apparent), I live in a world where I can say what I feel, be what I want, and do what I want. Which is more than many women have around the world but I don't want those around me to forget that sometimes our culture is so "forward thinking" that we go backwards.

Before I left for India I heard the song Blurred Lines. I loved it. It had a great beat and a catchy tune. Two days ago I heard the lyrics. Today I saw the official music video and I am ashamed that this is something that I danced to.

In case you don't know, Blurred Lines is a song sung by Robin Thicke featuring well known rappers T.I. and producer Pharrell Williams. Now I have to admit that in listening to the lyrics they don't seem all that bad. Only one line really stuck out to me as grossly inappropriate but that didn't put me off. But after watching the music video, which was intended to be a "tongue in cheek" video mocking the current rap industry I have to say that they stepped out of line. In this topless women in thongs are dancing around fully clothed men. Sad to say that this is not unusual when it comes to music videos but what really got me was a teeny tiny stop sign on a woman's rear end. At this point when in conjunction with some of the lyrics from the song I got the strong impression that they were completely ignoring something that has been bothering me lately about our country. The idea that no does not always mean no. But hey it's ok cause Robin Thicke has a wife and kids. That makes it ok to hold women to such a low standard socially and a high standard physically (seriously all those girls were a size 0 with huge [fake] breasts).

We have been making ridiculous strides in our country over the past 50-60 years. Women no longer have to work from home, they can be the breadwinners, we have women lawyers, judges, congressmen, and senators. These are amazing feats and we should celebrate them but we still have a long way to go. We are honored for our brains not just our beauty. Or sometimes we are. In some areas we are. But sometimes in very big ways, we are not.

Take for example the popular website imgur. Imgur hosts photo sharing in which photos are shared for laughs, to reflect political ideals, religious ideals, to bring awareness, to show off drawings, or just to feel connected. I have an account on this website but many a times I have been told "to get back to the Kitchen" or "Go make me a sandwich" mainly because of my sex. This is regardless of the fact that I have a degree from a top university, make just as much as the men in my department, and that I probably have a firmer grasp of who I am and what I can do for the world that some of the people on that website. Purely by a choice of an X or a Y I am relegated to serving food. Let me say clearly - SCREW THAT.

I have chosen for myself what I am going to be in life. Right now I am a late 20s world traveler. If you took the number of cities and countries and states that I have been to and added them together that number might be higher than the number of miles some people have been from their house. Maybe later I might be a mom, even more I might be a stay at home mom but that is a choice I will make WITH my husband when the time is right. It will not be defined by the gender that I was born.

Sadly not all my choices get to be my own. When going on a date, I take extra precautions. If I am lucky I might have known the guy for a while. More likely than not, a friend has vouched for him. But as this limits the number of dates I would go on and possibly the number of amazing people I would meet sometimes the inevitable date with someone you might not know all that well is... well... inevitable.  In this scenario, as a woman I might take precautions that men don't have to. I tell my roommates the guy's name, where we are going, how I met him, a time they can expect me home, and maybe his cell number. In case, you know the Morgan from the BAU needs to rescue me. The truly sad thing is that I do not find this weird. It is something I have done since I started dating. This is the norm.

On dates, I have to be clear and upfront from the beginning what the expectations are. Most times guys understand and if all they are looking for is sex, we part amicably. Sometimes, they don't get that my saying "it is late, I am going home" IS my final response. I had one guy ask me three times in the space of 5 minutes to go back to his place with him. The first round of denial was not accepted as the final answer. When it became clear that my intention really was to end the night by taking a taxi home I was called a bitch and a tease. Oh not to my face. No, it was under his breath. Asshat. The truth is that these guys are not common in my life but even once is too many times.

Now not all guys are dangerous, heck 90% of them are really genuinely amazing and nice guys. I am proud to say that I know a lot of these guys. But the chance that one isn't a great guy is too great of a chance to take with my safety. The numbers are staggering. Even when a rape is reported, which is an astonishingly low percentage (estimated at around 45%), only 12% result in arrest, 9 % are taken to trial and only about 3% of rapists will see a day in jail. (all stats from RAINN).

This need to protect myself won't ever really go away. I will always be physically weaker than most men but when songs have lyrics in it like "I know You want it" and "I know you're an animal, it's in your nature. Just let me liberate 'cha" (but hey it's ok cause normally he respects woman and can prove it because he is married) it makes me feel like this ideal is being perpetuated instead of halted in it's tracks. That we are making the world more dangerous instead of trying to make it safer.

Sister Trips

My mom and her sisters had a wonderful tradition when I was younger. Every year they would meet up for a week, sometimes in a brand new city and sometimes down in Atlanta, and have a sister trip. It was a great trip that they got to spend time together as adults without the responsibility of taking care of kids and husbands. For a week they got to be just sisters.

Unfortunately for those not in the rankings of sister this equated to being taken care of by Dad for an extended period of time. Some of the funnier baker stories have come out of these times. My father is an amazing dad and I constantly feel blessed to have his guidance and love. But I also freely admit that he could never take the place of Mom. I know this due to experience. Many times while I was living at home and mom was gone we would get chicken broth soup for dinner. That’s right. Broth soup. Hot flavored water. One time dad got so adventurous as to try and make us quiche disregarding the fact that Kristen is a picky eater, I didn't like eggs, and none of the four Baker kids had ever had quiche before.

Those weeks of momlessness were filled with stress of food and carpool duty. After a while we managed to get it down with a minimal amount of fuss. By the time I went off to college we had learned that Wawa and Dominoes pizza were our friends and that the kids had to keep track of each other because we couldn't leave Kristen at church AGAIN.

The best thing about sister trips is that Katie, Kristen and I got to have our own. After I graduate college and was momentarily unemployed, Katie was accepted into a study abroad program in Oxford, England. The fates conspired and had Katie ending her spring term right around the time I would be finishing my tour of the European continent and Kristen had spring break. It would have been wrong not to take advantage.

At Tower Bridge with our friend Mia

Katie at her Fave tea drinking spot in Oxford

Come that March we all met up in London and had a very confusing and fun couple of days before heading to Dublin, Ireland for St Patricks day. I can honestly say I have never had as much fun on any trip as I did with Katie and Kristen in those cities. I had to pay a price for that fun though, in the form of an all out row with Katie on the streets of Dublin at 2 AM.

On the Ha' Penny Bridge in Dublin Ireland, March 17, 2009

I should mention that Katie and I, if you don’t already know, are no where near peas in a pod. I am more of a berry on a bush and katie is a wildflower in a meadow. As far apart as you can be. This often results in fights as we learn how to communicate with each other and realize that what we were thinking is not what the other is thinking. Luckily we had a very patient and understanding youngest sister who knows us both so very well she could translate for us.

“Jessica, Katie isn’t suggesting that we go to Bath AND London AND Oxford AND Belfast. She is throwing out different options as she thinks of them. Katie won’t have made a decision until she is boarding the train for the next city”

Traveling is such hard work

“Katie, Jessie thinks that you have made a decision regarding where you want to go next. She could care less WHERE we go as long as she can plan it out so that we aren't sleeping under a bridge”

We ended up spending the next day roaming around Dunlougahary (P.S. I love you anyone?) and then heading back to Oxford. Which as it turns out regardless of multiple plans and counter itineraries  you can still get robbed.

My last sister trip was with Kristen after her semester Studying Abroad was over. Kristen, Grandmom, and I met up in London, showed Grandmom the sights (including seeing Les Mis for the first time) and then shipping her off home while Kristen and I hit up Barcelona (the only city between the two of us that we hadn't both visited and wanted to). I got to use my smattering of Spanish and we learned that the Spaniards don’t start partying until 2 AM. Well past either of our bed times.

This year my sister Katie will be going back to Oxford to be a graduate mentor to those in the program that she was a part of 4 years ago. Maybe this will be another opportunity for a sisterly trip. Or even better, we include John and make it a Baker kid trip.

Either way if someone I know is over seas (I am looking at you Ali) I will find a way over so that I can experience all the cultures that I can before settling down.

Tumblr down the Rabbit Hole

So last fall my wonderful friend Ali and I decided to do a half marathon. The problem is we didn't decide on a marathon until the end of this January. Which meant that I didn't have to start training until the end of this January. Luckily Ali knows me and sent me an easy schedule to follow and it has been a blast.

My schedule usually involves me going to the Gym after getting back to the hotel after a long day. After grabbing some dinner and studying (or getting sucked into TV) I head to the Gym. This usually resulted in me going at 10 PM or later. I needed to find a source of motivation to get my Butt to the gym. I had hoped to find it in Tumblr.

Tumblr, for those who don't know, is a social media site that allows what has come to be known as micro blogging.  Small snippets of information that then get shown on your homepage.I joined a while back but hadn't done anything much with it. I knew it to be place where pictures could be shown and searched for fairly easily. I figured finding inspiration on this site would be easy.

I hated how right I was. Within moments of searching for "Fit inspiration" on tumblr I got inundated with posts of extremely skinny girls with quotes and tags like "OMG look at her thigh gap. I want one." or "You can see her collarbone so clearly. #MyGoal". It's even worse if you look up thin. There are pictures of women who clearly have an eating disorder and these images are being passed around from one woman to girl to woman again as the ideal for what they want to look like. It's only slight better for those who want to be fit. Pictures of women whose hair and make up are perfect, who make doing pull ups easy, are barely sweating, oh yeah and on top of it all they just happen to do it in tiny running shorts and a sports bra.

Ummmm No. To all of this. This is unhealthy. Going to the gym isn't easy. You don't look fabulous, or you shouldn't at the end if you have been training right. It's hard work and at the end of the day most body types don't allow for a thigh gap (and really when did that become a thing?) or collar/hip bones that stand out. We should be focusing on showing people how to eat right and by golly if they want a chickfila chicken sandwich on a saturday then they should eat it. If they are tired and want a day to just relax then they should have it. And they shouldn't feel guilty for it. So many of these pictures and motivational pages have subtle message saying if you don't do it you won't meet your goal.

 Should people be fit? Of course they should. But that doesn't mean that they have to start bench pressing and doing squats. Being fit for one person may mean competing in muscle man type of things and for others it might be a walk or playing in the park with their kids and the new dog.

Because let me tell you something. I won't have a thigh gap, I won't have a collar bone that sticks out, I might not weigh 120 ever and I can gaurantee you that I will not be going perfectly coiffed to do my exercises ESPECIALLY if I am in what is essentially underwear. And you know what? I am 100% ok with it.

The die has been cast

Today at 8:07 AM EST I cast my vote for who should be the next president.

It was a different feel than what I anticipated. The past two times I have voted has been at the Penn State HUB. Students shove leaflets in your hands, the same ones that you slip on as you make you way to the front of the line.

Standing in line at Penn State I always felt like I was performing an obligation, something I had to do because I was an american and to do otherwise would just be.... well un-american. Not to mention my family wouldn't speak to me for a week.

Today felt different. I don't know if it is because I am older or maybe cause I took the time to research my candidates but today felt good. Like I had done something positive.

I heard one grandmother explaining to her granddaughter that it wasn't because of WHO she was that she couldn't vote but because she wasn't old enough. (To which she promptly responded with "o.k. I will vote when I am 5"). I am blessed to live in a country that continually strives for equality. It's hard and it's rough and the growing pains hurt but today is one day that I can take pride in. Not because I am helping in choosing our future, but because 236 years ago my country decided that taxation without representation in front of The Crown was wrong, 143 years ago we acknowledged that race could not determine who got elect a president, and 92 years ago we acknowledged that gender could not factor in granting voting rights. Four years ago we elected our first African American President. Hopefully it will not be another 92 before we have our first Woman President.




This all happened because we voted, we determined our course.

I am proud to be a part of the country and today, when so many conflicting ideas are being posted, tweeted, or blogged, I am glad that I can look back and see who we were and be proud of who we are today.

Well it's time to get personal

This post has been left as a draft on my blog for almost 3 months. I have debated time and time again on whether to publish it and now that I am, I am having trouble thinking of a title for this post. I don't know if it is a rant about how women are portrayed in the media, a plea for understanding, just a story of my experience, or a combination of all three.

I recently saw a rerun of Modern family in which the concept of PMS was explored in the leap day episode. I have mixed feeling about this episode. On one hand it shows the women being rational and only acting crazy in response to the men's over-reaction to the fact that they are all PMS-ing (which is something the men in the show admit to not understanding and liking it to the women being "monsters"). On the other hand it shows them pouring orange juice into cereal, putting two socks on one foot, and hysterically crying to the Sara McLaughlin ASPCA commercial (that last one is feasible though, even without added hormones those commericals are designed to pull your heart strings). I enjoyed seeing the writers show that women can be rational during that time of the month, that sometimes it is the craziness of others that we respond harshly to but it ruins it by showing the women do random nonsensical acts to promote the idea that, in some way, the men's responses are justified.

This "justification" flows into real world  as well. I suffer from heavy cramps and mood swings. I take medication each month to counter act the effects of the cramps and I track my mentrual cycle so that I can be aware of when my reactions are a result of increased hormone level or they are actually how I feel. I do all of this so that I can function just as well as other women and men on any given day. Sometimes the medication does not work and I will have to leave work early. I do not get special treatment for this. I do not want special treatment for it. It is treated as if I had a cold or the flu and I have to take time off of work. Once my available days at work are used up I can either A) choose to stay at work or B) take unpaid day off. This is not any different than any other medical reason to leave work and let me say that it IS a medical condition.

In the past I have been accused of using my condition as 1) an excuse to get out of work early 2) A pathetic attempt to get attention 3) a form of manipulation. And not only by men, women have said the same. I think that is just stupid. Yes stupid. I am sure that there are some women that use PMS to their advantage and this makes it harder for people who actually have serious issues with it to be taken seriously, especially those who have PMDD (a more severe form of PMS). When I am told that it "isn't that big of a deal" and "to get over it", it makes me feel less because of something that I was born with and that I have tried to control since I was 13.

I guess this is just a post for those who are in the same situation to say that you aren't alone. If you haven't already, go to the doctors to see what can be done to manage the pain and hormonal swings. Most of all don't let what other people say define who you are. Keep your head high.