How can I reconcile faith beliefs to social beliefs

Over the past few years, but particularly over the past few months, I have been struggling to reconcile my faith to what I believe should happen on a social level. This may sound weird to you but I believe a lot of people in my generation and younger have the same questions and are seeking answers. And to be honest I have not found anything satisfactory.

Take for example homosexuality. I do believe that homosexuality is a sin (as is lying, committing adultery, cursing). But do I believe that I have the right to force that belief on others? Not at all. But then how do I reconcile myself to both of these stances in the current culture. Especially when it comes to voting whether or not Gay Marriages should be legal? I can not vote for it because that is lending my vote to something I believe separates man from God. But my vote against is imposing my beliefs on other people. Our country is for religious freedom, and I am very much in support of that. I would be very upset if I was told that I could no longer eat the fantasticalness that is Bacon because Jewish Text says that this is unclean and sinful. I don't believe that it will hurt my relationship with God and even if we all got it wrong and that amazing delight is in fact a huge pork filled sin, then I know my God is merciful and will forgive me.

Additionally, my words have no merit to those I could impact. Why should my beliefs be thrust into their face? Who am I to them to have my words hold power over them?

Finally, saying they can't get married isn't going to change how they behave. But is allowing marriage condoning the behavior already committed?

I have a feeling that I will forever walk in circles in my head over this. In the end I don't know what I can say, other than "I believe that it is wrong but I can not in good conscience force this belief on anyone."

Guess this is one of those things I am going to have when I sit at Gods feet




side note: I do not in any form believe that being a homosexual prevents anyone from going to heaven. We ALL fall short. We ALL go to hell except by the grace of God. Any and all sins were wiped away in his blood for those that believe. I sin and will continually do so because I am fallen. I am only redeemed in Christ.

My Bucket list

A while ago I decided to have a bucket list. Today I took the time to finish the list to a complete 100. I have crossed off 32 items off my list. I thought it would be fun to share with you and let you make suggestions for if I wanted to add more or to share what is on your list.

• 1.     Backpack in Europe
• 2.     Visit all 50 states
• 3.     Go into the Atlantic and the pacific
• 4.     Go skydiving
• 5.     Go Bungee Jumping
• 6.     Get  a tattoo
• 7.     Visit all 7 continents
• 8.     Learn how to hotwire a car
• 9.     Learn how to pick a lock
• 10. Fall in Love
• 11. Get married and have a family
• 12. Get my CPA license
• 13. Kiss under the Mistletoe
• 14. Learn how to drive a stick shift
• 15. ROAD TRIP!!
• 16. Learn to shoot a gun
• 17. Give blood
• 18. Go to four corners
• 19. Go to a drive in movie theater
• 20. Swim with the dolphins
• 21. Run a 5k
• 22. Run a 10k
• 23. Run a half marathon
• 24. Be an extra in a doctor who episode
• 25. Visit the wizarding world of harry potter
• 26. Go on a hot air balloon ride
• 27. Ski a real black diamond
• 28. Go to the Eiffel tower
• 29. Go to comic con
• 30. Passionately kiss in the rain
• 31. Go skinny dipping
• 32. See the Sistine chapel
• 33. See Stonehenge
• 34. See the northern lights
• 35. Go on a cruise
• 36. Hike the Appalachian trail
• 37. Earn a black belt in a martial art
• 38. Take a self defense class
• 39. Become proficient in spanish
• 40. Take singing lessons
• 41.  Go to a jazz club in New Orleans
• 42. Go snorkeling
• 43. Go scuba diving
• 44. Polar bear swim
• 45. Swim in the largest swimming pool in the world
• 46. Ride the orient express
• 47. Sleep in an overnight train
• 48.  Go to the top of the Jung Frau
• 49. Go whale watching
• 50. Adopt a dog
• 51. Go white water rafting
• 52. See Niagara Falls
• 53.  See the Mona Lisa
• 54. Stay at the Ice Hotel in Sweden
• 55. Couch Surf
• 56.  Go to Carnival
• 57. Be involved in La Tomatina (huge city wide food fight)
• 58.  Learn Photography
• 59. Read the top 100 American Classics
• 60. Read the top 100 books of all time
• 61. Learn to be more outgoing in unfamiliar settings
• 62. Take a random community college course for fun – like basket weaving
• 63. Pay off student loans
• 64.  Stick to a budget for one year
• 65. Donate $25 to Kiva each month for one year
• 66. Shop at Harrods
• 67. Get a massage
• 68.  Drink a bottle of expensive champagne
• 69. Fly first class
• 70. Study other religions
• 71. Read the entire bible
• 72. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
• 73. Invent something
• 74. Read 4 biographies about US presidents
• 75. Read 4 biographies about non American influential people
• 76. Be pictured in a magazine
• 77. See a Broadway play
• 78.  Try Escargot
• 79. Try Liver
• 80. Try Kimchi
• 81. Ice skate at Rockefeller center
• 82. Have a winning lottery ticket
• 83. Go to a murder mystery dinner
• 84. Go to a masquerade
• 85. Say “I have been kicked out of better places than this” to someone
• 86.  Go to Vegas
• 87.  Have 100 things on my bucket list
• 88.  Throw a party and invite everyone
• 89.  Ride and Elephant
• 90.  Ride a Camel
• 91.  Experience weightlessness
• 92.  Drive a convertible
• 93.  Donate blood
• 94.  Go into all 5 oceans (Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Arctic, and Southern)
• 95.  Cross the equator
• 96.  Find Waldo in Where’s Waldo
• 97.  Watch the 10 most classic American Films
• 98.  Drive the Pacific Coast Highway
• 99.  Leave a huge tip for a deserving waiter(ess)
• 100.                Get my MBA

Celebrating not two but three births in London

I am notoriously a planner. I obsessively plan things. It is not a want or a desire but a burning need that if left unfulfilled puts me into a mild panic attack. OK it might not be that bad but my family can attest to my need for order. I have a budget each month that I update every time I make a purchase, I planned out my month long trip to Europe down to the last plane, train, and hotel. Oh, except for the last one... where we got robbed… so I can say that experience is on my side.

Now my need to plan often clashes with my sisters need to be unencumbered and live in the moment. As I mentioned in this post it one time coalesced into a huge argument on the streets of Dublin. Luckily in the years since that post she has learned to cope with my need to be “a mom” and I have learned to sometimes let Katie (and now John) do their own thing and follow along. This is how I recently ended up in my skivvies on the banks of the Yadkin River in NC at 3 am one morning trying to swing off of a rope swing into swiftly moving swollen flood water. I had memories of Bridge to Terebithia running through my head during that “adventure”. But that is a story for another time.

So needless to say when it came to planning to celebrate Katie’s birthday (and to some extent mine) when we met up in London after my audit in India, I had the who’s, whats, and whys nailed down. Well almost. I had decided to see a play, that we would spend some time at the very touristy Ice Bar, and the next day maybe have high tea at some posh restaurant. That is until about 3 PM on an Indian afternoon when I realized that while my gift to Katie would have been fun and she would enjoy it, it wasn't the best I could do. So for her birthday I got her nothing.

That is right, nothing.

A big ol’ bag of zip.

Or really you could say I gave her a basket of opportunity. Or rather a purse of opportunity. I managed to find a small clutch in India for Katie’s birthday (funnily enough I got a great clutch from her as a bday present as well). I filled it with different activities we could do and she could pass or do any of them. There were things like “ride any of the tubes for 15 minutes, get off that stop and wonder around” or “Go into the first Irish bar you see, talk to the third person to say hi, make friends” or “sing God Bless America in front of the Buckingham Palace guards followed by God save the Queen” (we don’t want to mean). Of course being the non free spirit that I am I had to get ideas from some people but I think that is OK. And of course there were blank slips in there where Katie could come up with anything she wanted to do.

The only thing I had planned was the hotel because as I said experience in that area had indicated that no planning meant getting robbed. But other than that it was up to her what we would do, where we would go, how we would get there, and how long we would do it. Heck I didn't even ask her what time we would be going to Oxford. Didn't look at one train schedule. (OK that is a very blatant lie. I checked the train and bus schedule. I couldn't let go of all my habits) I just go along for the Katie ride and she could have free reign of London (although don’t tell the queen that).

The funny thing was that Katie HAD planned out some of the things. And I can’t tell you how grateful I am for that. Sometimes my planning anxiety reared its head, but not much with a plan in place by Katie.

We started off hopping on a bus headed towards we hoped was the south bank. After picking a random stop we hoped to find ourselves at the Old Vic. And we did. We saw a play called "The sweet bird of Youth" and to be honest it was a Gatsby-esque play so not a very happy one. With the exception of Kim Cattrall, the acting was very good and the story interesting if a bit slow. 

 

Before hand we managed to find what was purported to be the only "real" mexican food in London but we were a bit disappointed. But with drinks and Nachos you can never go wrong.

 

The next day we braved oxford street shopping in the middle of high tourist season followed by a walk through Hyde park which took longer and was hotter than expecting. It was great but we had to stop at TK (yes K) Maxx and buy some fashionable London dresses. We made our way to the Victoria and Albert Museum where we had the best lunch. I dk if it was because it actually is the best spot or if we loved it because we got to cool down and enjoy people watching but we LOVED our impromptu mid afternoon locale.

Then we headed of to Harrods. Surprisingly Katie had not yet been there yet. For the next half hour I heard more than once "NO ONE TOLD ME IT IS LIKE A SHOPPING DISNEY LAND". We found the fake snow, the harry potter display, and Katie ran into some of her students from Oxford.

That night, Katie was gracious enough to let me go to the ice bar or as she puts it "Paying £12 to lock yourself in a freezer for 45 minutes". It was a rediculous waste of money but now I can say that I did it. And to be honest, I had fun making fun of ourselves. Giggling with Katie in sub 0 temperatures was worth it.

 We ended off the night with Katie's "one true birthday wish" - Sheesha.

We ended our stay in London with the announcement that Kate Middleton was in Labor in the hospital a 5 minute walk from our hotel. I didn't really want to go but at my sisters enthusiasm and insistence we trekked the 7 block walk to St Mary's Hospital. There we were interviewed by the NYT, a french newspaper, and had a radio interview with the BBC on why Americans were interested in the Royal Family and the birth of a Royal Baby.  After that, I couldn't deny that going to the hospital was a bad idea.

BBC requesting an Interview

After we visited the Hospital we were off to Oxford. I had a great time in London and I can't wait to go back when Katie is there again in the spring!

I think that it had been the best joint birthday party we have ever had, if you don’t count the Pocahontas party. 

The dating woman in 21st century America

Well I fully intended my next post to be an update about India and visiting my sister in London/Oxford and I promise that is coming. And in all honesty I was going to go to bed but I think that some truth needs to be shed on something that maybe we overlook in the day to day.

Let me first say that I am truly truly blessed to live in this day and age. I live in a country that with religious freedom (although sometimes the denigration of Christian is becoming more and more apparent), I live in a world where I can say what I feel, be what I want, and do what I want. Which is more than many women have around the world but I don't want those around me to forget that sometimes our culture is so "forward thinking" that we go backwards.

Before I left for India I heard the song Blurred Lines. I loved it. It had a great beat and a catchy tune. Two days ago I heard the lyrics. Today I saw the official music video and I am ashamed that this is something that I danced to.

In case you don't know, Blurred Lines is a song sung by Robin Thicke featuring well known rappers T.I. and producer Pharrell Williams. Now I have to admit that in listening to the lyrics they don't seem all that bad. Only one line really stuck out to me as grossly inappropriate but that didn't put me off. But after watching the music video, which was intended to be a "tongue in cheek" video mocking the current rap industry I have to say that they stepped out of line. In this topless women in thongs are dancing around fully clothed men. Sad to say that this is not unusual when it comes to music videos but what really got me was a teeny tiny stop sign on a woman's rear end. At this point when in conjunction with some of the lyrics from the song I got the strong impression that they were completely ignoring something that has been bothering me lately about our country. The idea that no does not always mean no. But hey it's ok cause Robin Thicke has a wife and kids. That makes it ok to hold women to such a low standard socially and a high standard physically (seriously all those girls were a size 0 with huge [fake] breasts).

We have been making ridiculous strides in our country over the past 50-60 years. Women no longer have to work from home, they can be the breadwinners, we have women lawyers, judges, congressmen, and senators. These are amazing feats and we should celebrate them but we still have a long way to go. We are honored for our brains not just our beauty. Or sometimes we are. In some areas we are. But sometimes in very big ways, we are not.

Take for example the popular website imgur. Imgur hosts photo sharing in which photos are shared for laughs, to reflect political ideals, religious ideals, to bring awareness, to show off drawings, or just to feel connected. I have an account on this website but many a times I have been told "to get back to the Kitchen" or "Go make me a sandwich" mainly because of my sex. This is regardless of the fact that I have a degree from a top university, make just as much as the men in my department, and that I probably have a firmer grasp of who I am and what I can do for the world that some of the people on that website. Purely by a choice of an X or a Y I am relegated to serving food. Let me say clearly - SCREW THAT.

I have chosen for myself what I am going to be in life. Right now I am a late 20s world traveler. If you took the number of cities and countries and states that I have been to and added them together that number might be higher than the number of miles some people have been from their house. Maybe later I might be a mom, even more I might be a stay at home mom but that is a choice I will make WITH my husband when the time is right. It will not be defined by the gender that I was born.

Sadly not all my choices get to be my own. When going on a date, I take extra precautions. If I am lucky I might have known the guy for a while. More likely than not, a friend has vouched for him. But as this limits the number of dates I would go on and possibly the number of amazing people I would meet sometimes the inevitable date with someone you might not know all that well is... well... inevitable.  In this scenario, as a woman I might take precautions that men don't have to. I tell my roommates the guy's name, where we are going, how I met him, a time they can expect me home, and maybe his cell number. In case, you know the Morgan from the BAU needs to rescue me. The truly sad thing is that I do not find this weird. It is something I have done since I started dating. This is the norm.

On dates, I have to be clear and upfront from the beginning what the expectations are. Most times guys understand and if all they are looking for is sex, we part amicably. Sometimes, they don't get that my saying "it is late, I am going home" IS my final response. I had one guy ask me three times in the space of 5 minutes to go back to his place with him. The first round of denial was not accepted as the final answer. When it became clear that my intention really was to end the night by taking a taxi home I was called a bitch and a tease. Oh not to my face. No, it was under his breath. Asshat. The truth is that these guys are not common in my life but even once is too many times.

Now not all guys are dangerous, heck 90% of them are really genuinely amazing and nice guys. I am proud to say that I know a lot of these guys. But the chance that one isn't a great guy is too great of a chance to take with my safety. The numbers are staggering. Even when a rape is reported, which is an astonishingly low percentage (estimated at around 45%), only 12% result in arrest, 9 % are taken to trial and only about 3% of rapists will see a day in jail. (all stats from RAINN).

This need to protect myself won't ever really go away. I will always be physically weaker than most men but when songs have lyrics in it like "I know You want it" and "I know you're an animal, it's in your nature. Just let me liberate 'cha" (but hey it's ok cause normally he respects woman and can prove it because he is married) it makes me feel like this ideal is being perpetuated instead of halted in it's tracks. That we are making the world more dangerous instead of trying to make it safer.

Well, I am in India

About a month and a half ago my senior looked to me and a coworker and said "We need someone to go to India." Even if I hadn't wanted to go my coworker's wife is pregnant and I knew there was no way that they were going to send a soon to be brand new father on travel that would take almost a full 24 hours to get home. Luckily, while India has never been high on my to do list, it has been a place I wanted to see.

So now, I am in India. It is my third day here and I can say that every day brings new insights. 

The very first thing that I noticed about India was the lack of lights. Which makes sense seeing as how it is a developing country but for me it was startling. Bangalore is the third largest city in India (behind Mumbai and Delhi) but on landing you only see groups of lights. Small clusters as opposed to seeing a sprawling city laid out by power grids that you would normally see flying into New York, Atlanta, Philadelphia or any other city in the US. To see how little lights there are check out the images as from space. The thing that blew my mind is that India has around 4x the amount of people but is 1/3 the size of the United states (including Alaska).

Living near or in cities for the past four years has made me accustomed to the lights, sounds, and smells of a city. Bangalore fits none of these preconceptions. The lights are fewer, there are constant sounds of construction absolutely everywhere, the traffic is worse than LA (takes 1.5 hours to go 15 kilometers, don't ask me how far that is in miles), and it isn't near as hot or as pungent as everyone made it out to be. The heat has cooperated with us and been around 82 degrees. The humidity is no where near as bad as Atlanta in July and for a rainy season all we have had is clouds (knock on wood). The food has been spicy but I try to attempt some new dish at least once every meal, I fear even the smallest mosquito, and good lord is the city dirty. With constant construction and projects left half finished, the remains of those half buildings and the dust from the new buildings clutter the streets. I bet my dad would love all the material that has been left over to recycle (should have moved to India, Dad).

The best thing so far has been getting to know the people. I still can't understand the Indian head wobble (it is a thing, google it) and it causes some difficulty in understanding someone when I am interviewing them or trying to get information from them. But they are so generous and kind. And the colors that they wear are amazing. The saris here are absolutely gorgeous. They are mainly jewel toned and extremely ornate, with beads and gold colored threads. I can't wait to go buy myself one. The women love to discuss clothing (as does most women) but they are keen on telling you how they live, to share their culture. About learning to drive, how the bindi is more of a fashion statement now than a religious aspect, how gaining the middle class in India is hard but once accomplished could mean switching to the same job in a developed country bringing more comforts  that come with first world countries and more money to send home to support family.

So far, in my three days here I have been inundated with culture and I am loving it. This weekend I go to Goa where all the beaches are. Hopefully monsoon season will decide to delay a little longer so I can enjoy what the countryside has to offer (like elephant rides). Hopefully pictures will be up soon.

Summer Vacations: Kiawah and Grandpop

When I was younger a lot of our friends and family use to joke about the "summer sabbatical" that the Bakers would take come the end of swimming season. Usually the Saturday after the last meet we would strap on the trusty turtle car top carrier, load up the car with luggage, swim gear, beach house activities, and attach our bicycles and we were off on our month long trip to visit family.

Our visits consisted of a week at St Augustine beach in FL with my mom's family, a week in the smokey mountains, and a week at my grandparents house and then another week or two at Kiawah Island with my dad's side of the family. My grandparents owned a time share house walking (or biking) distance to the beach and we would rent another house from their friends down the street. Our beach time was filled with turtle hunts (trying to find baby turtle nests hatching at 6 AM not killing them), crabbing at the dock, and reading on the beach. And maybe a severe burn or two, although those were mainly mine. Our lunches were rolled down in coolers and we ate dinner in any dinning chair we could find back at the house. There was a pool fairly close and usually our parents would insist on giving us a week of tennis camp regardless of the fact that the rest of the 51 weeks in the year we never even looked at a racket. (Kristen was the shining exception to this rule). One summer I even managed to get surfing lessons instead and, before being promptly stung horribly by a jellyfish, managed to stand up on my ridiculously long foam board.

Relaxing on the dock

Everyone needs the Khaki and White T Look

Some of the best memories that I have of Kiawah are on our yearly boating trips. Grandpop was never a big fan of the beach (he loved those golf courses though) so every year he would take us out in a boat that we would rent for the day. Grandpop was always the captain. I remember him being a very big man with a very big presence but as he got older his gait was a little less steady. That gait changed when he was on the boat. As soon as he set foot on that boat, he had sea legs like no one else. All 6 of us grandkids managed to flounder our way onto a seat somewhere but that Big 6' 3" man would swing one leg over and start barking orders. (But to be fair to him he always barked orders.)

We would cruise around the marshes of Kiawah and St Johns Island. Fishing, crabiing, swimming, and freaking out about what touched our leg in the murkey water. Although usually it was just some scared fish and a slightly more threatening crab, one time my dad caught a shark. A small one maybe a foot long, but that was enough to convince me that I needed to stay dry and retain all 10 of my toes.Lunches were fought over and debated as to whom actually wanted the ham and mustard sandwich instead of the refreshing PB&J. We found islands to explore and felt the wind go through our hair as Grandpop manned the wheel.

Some of the best times were when we would each get a chance to be captain. Grandpop would call us up to stand in front of the captain's char and would let us steer. His arms would wrap around us to lay one hand on the throttle and the other on the console on the other side. Many times his time worn hands would cover ours to safely navigate canals or to ensure that we didn't capsize. This day out was his day with family. He didn't enjoy the beach like we did so he gave us a day with him. A day to explore like we couldn't on land. To say, even though he didn't frequently say them out loud, that he loved us.

It has been a while since I have been to Kiawah. I try to make it there every other year but sometimes work prevents me. This year I get to go back the week of June 10th. I can't wait to be there, to take a break from work, to relax in the sun, to read something other than CPA exam material, and to enjoy the beach. Maybe this year we can take a boat out and remember the man who made one day in a sea of days seem special every year.

When I was 16 I got his old car. He was telling me drive
safe and to not get into an accident cause then he would kill
me himself. One of the few times I heard him say "I love you " first.

View from the Dock at Sunset

Sister Trips

My mom and her sisters had a wonderful tradition when I was younger. Every year they would meet up for a week, sometimes in a brand new city and sometimes down in Atlanta, and have a sister trip. It was a great trip that they got to spend time together as adults without the responsibility of taking care of kids and husbands. For a week they got to be just sisters.

Unfortunately for those not in the rankings of sister this equated to being taken care of by Dad for an extended period of time. Some of the funnier baker stories have come out of these times. My father is an amazing dad and I constantly feel blessed to have his guidance and love. But I also freely admit that he could never take the place of Mom. I know this due to experience. Many times while I was living at home and mom was gone we would get chicken broth soup for dinner. That’s right. Broth soup. Hot flavored water. One time dad got so adventurous as to try and make us quiche disregarding the fact that Kristen is a picky eater, I didn't like eggs, and none of the four Baker kids had ever had quiche before.

Those weeks of momlessness were filled with stress of food and carpool duty. After a while we managed to get it down with a minimal amount of fuss. By the time I went off to college we had learned that Wawa and Dominoes pizza were our friends and that the kids had to keep track of each other because we couldn't leave Kristen at church AGAIN.

The best thing about sister trips is that Katie, Kristen and I got to have our own. After I graduate college and was momentarily unemployed, Katie was accepted into a study abroad program in Oxford, England. The fates conspired and had Katie ending her spring term right around the time I would be finishing my tour of the European continent and Kristen had spring break. It would have been wrong not to take advantage.

At Tower Bridge with our friend Mia

Katie at her Fave tea drinking spot in Oxford

Come that March we all met up in London and had a very confusing and fun couple of days before heading to Dublin, Ireland for St Patricks day. I can honestly say I have never had as much fun on any trip as I did with Katie and Kristen in those cities. I had to pay a price for that fun though, in the form of an all out row with Katie on the streets of Dublin at 2 AM.

On the Ha' Penny Bridge in Dublin Ireland, March 17, 2009

I should mention that Katie and I, if you don’t already know, are no where near peas in a pod. I am more of a berry on a bush and katie is a wildflower in a meadow. As far apart as you can be. This often results in fights as we learn how to communicate with each other and realize that what we were thinking is not what the other is thinking. Luckily we had a very patient and understanding youngest sister who knows us both so very well she could translate for us.

“Jessica, Katie isn’t suggesting that we go to Bath AND London AND Oxford AND Belfast. She is throwing out different options as she thinks of them. Katie won’t have made a decision until she is boarding the train for the next city”

Traveling is such hard work

“Katie, Jessie thinks that you have made a decision regarding where you want to go next. She could care less WHERE we go as long as she can plan it out so that we aren't sleeping under a bridge”

We ended up spending the next day roaming around Dunlougahary (P.S. I love you anyone?) and then heading back to Oxford. Which as it turns out regardless of multiple plans and counter itineraries  you can still get robbed.

My last sister trip was with Kristen after her semester Studying Abroad was over. Kristen, Grandmom, and I met up in London, showed Grandmom the sights (including seeing Les Mis for the first time) and then shipping her off home while Kristen and I hit up Barcelona (the only city between the two of us that we hadn't both visited and wanted to). I got to use my smattering of Spanish and we learned that the Spaniards don’t start partying until 2 AM. Well past either of our bed times.

This year my sister Katie will be going back to Oxford to be a graduate mentor to those in the program that she was a part of 4 years ago. Maybe this will be another opportunity for a sisterly trip. Or even better, we include John and make it a Baker kid trip.

Either way if someone I know is over seas (I am looking at you Ali) I will find a way over so that I can experience all the cultures that I can before settling down.

Tumblr down the Rabbit Hole

So last fall my wonderful friend Ali and I decided to do a half marathon. The problem is we didn't decide on a marathon until the end of this January. Which meant that I didn't have to start training until the end of this January. Luckily Ali knows me and sent me an easy schedule to follow and it has been a blast.

My schedule usually involves me going to the Gym after getting back to the hotel after a long day. After grabbing some dinner and studying (or getting sucked into TV) I head to the Gym. This usually resulted in me going at 10 PM or later. I needed to find a source of motivation to get my Butt to the gym. I had hoped to find it in Tumblr.

Tumblr, for those who don't know, is a social media site that allows what has come to be known as micro blogging.  Small snippets of information that then get shown on your homepage.I joined a while back but hadn't done anything much with it. I knew it to be place where pictures could be shown and searched for fairly easily. I figured finding inspiration on this site would be easy.

I hated how right I was. Within moments of searching for "Fit inspiration" on tumblr I got inundated with posts of extremely skinny girls with quotes and tags like "OMG look at her thigh gap. I want one." or "You can see her collarbone so clearly. #MyGoal". It's even worse if you look up thin. There are pictures of women who clearly have an eating disorder and these images are being passed around from one woman to girl to woman again as the ideal for what they want to look like. It's only slight better for those who want to be fit. Pictures of women whose hair and make up are perfect, who make doing pull ups easy, are barely sweating, oh yeah and on top of it all they just happen to do it in tiny running shorts and a sports bra.

Ummmm No. To all of this. This is unhealthy. Going to the gym isn't easy. You don't look fabulous, or you shouldn't at the end if you have been training right. It's hard work and at the end of the day most body types don't allow for a thigh gap (and really when did that become a thing?) or collar/hip bones that stand out. We should be focusing on showing people how to eat right and by golly if they want a chickfila chicken sandwich on a saturday then they should eat it. If they are tired and want a day to just relax then they should have it. And they shouldn't feel guilty for it. So many of these pictures and motivational pages have subtle message saying if you don't do it you won't meet your goal.

 Should people be fit? Of course they should. But that doesn't mean that they have to start bench pressing and doing squats. Being fit for one person may mean competing in muscle man type of things and for others it might be a walk or playing in the park with their kids and the new dog.

Because let me tell you something. I won't have a thigh gap, I won't have a collar bone that sticks out, I might not weigh 120 ever and I can gaurantee you that I will not be going perfectly coiffed to do my exercises ESPECIALLY if I am in what is essentially underwear. And you know what? I am 100% ok with it.

The Friendzone and My Perspective

You like a guy/girl and three things can happen:

1) They like you back! Congrats! Go forth into the world and clutter our facebook newsfeed with unnecessarily cute things.
2) Ew gross you have cooties. Console yourself with some Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge. But don't worry, plenty of fish in the sea.
3) "Aww you're so great! Your like a sister/brother to me, I wish my significant other was more like you." Welcome to a special sort of Hell known as the friendzone.

I have had the unfortunate experience of being in the friendzone as well as having (regretfully) friendzoned some people in my earlier college days. It's a crappy crappy place to be and I know how much it can suck but let me tell you something. It isn't anyone's fault. To those zoned: Just because you are nice to him/her doesn't mean that you get a free pass into the sacred halls of dating them. Being nice is just a basic necessity of being human. Just because you are there to listen to their problems and give advice doesn't mean that you have a right to a date or two because listening and giving advice is what FRIENDS DO!

This also doesn't give free reign. To those doing the zoning: If you are asking your friend to go get you Stouffers mac and cheese at 2 AM from the 24 hour Walmart 45 minutes away because you just can't STAND Kraft, then sorry chicka (dude) you are taking advantage of your friend. You also can't treat them as an occasional hook up buddy. It's not fair to treat their affections as an emotional buffer. The best way to determine if you are taking advantage is to compare your actions with them to what you would do with another of your friends. If your best friend wouldn't do it then there is a good chance if they were acting only in friendship they wouldn't be doing it either. If you ask for these favors AND you are aware of their feelings then you need to evaluate your personal values and they should evaluate whether you are worth their affection.

In the end there is always a choice to be made: to stay friends with this person or to get some distance. If the decision to stay has been made then those zoned need to accept that they may only remain friends. I am not saying that one can not exit the friend zone and end up with the object of affection (my ex boyfriend was friend-zoned for a while before we dated) but the chances of it happening are slim. If the decision has been made in favor of distancing thmeselves then both parties need to let that happen. The emotional well being of your friend should take precedence of the need for the friendship.

Redefining the past

A lot of people I know want to go back to the "good ole days",whether it be bringing 90's nickelodeon back, bringing the 60's hippie culture back, or returning to the days where the press reported only facts. People are passionate about a time when life seemed simpler. There are Facebook groups dedicated to each of these ideals. In theory, this is a good thing but the practicality of it may not be.

The human race has a whole host of biases that go into each and every moment of the day. There are judgement biases, media bias, belief bias, social bias, the list goes on and on. One bias in particular is a memory bias called Rosy Retrospective. In this bias, the events of the past are seen favorably, meaning we forget the bad and embrace that which was good.

Recalling a memory accurately is harder to do as time passes, unless you relive that memory frequently. Each time a memory is relived you imprint that memory onto new cells (if I understand the science correctly, I might not... Medical journals go over my head) which are easier to "access" later. If you alter something in this memory and then recall that memory with the same alteration, the original memory will still be harder to recall. When we choose to remember the good and not the bad, we are making the good easier to remember. This is a mechanism of self preservation. If we remembered how hard it was in the past and all you see ahead of you is the same hardship would you continue on?

You can even have rosy retrospective about something you did not live. The best example of this is viewing kindly America's past. We look back at our founding fathers and say "that was a good time". We remember discovering a new land, the signing of the declaration of independence, we remember how we stood up and joined in WWII, we remember the 50's and the simplicity of life that was presented to us in our history books. We forget that to claim the "new land" we forced many people out of the homes, killed entire nations, and brought infectious disease. We often forget that when the founding fathers wrote the declaration of independence we owned slaves. We forget that we didn't join WWII until we were attacked at Pearl harbor and the war had been going on for years before we joined. We forget that in the 50's it was unthinkable for a woman who wanted to be a mom to also work outside the home and divorcees were shunned from "respectable" women.

The issues that we are discussing today are not any different than those in the past. We have come very far but we have a long way to go. Gun laws have been debated in the past and they will continue to be debated as long as they are used to kill and since that is the intention of the gun (whether for humans or animals) the issue of the gun laws will never go away. They may abate for a time but they will not be resolved. The issue of abortion will not go away. Until the entire world believes in one thing there will be abortions, legal or otherwise. Until everyone has a job unemployment, welfare, and any social assistance will be debated. They were debated in the past and they will be debated in the future.

The best that we can hope for is to look to the past honestly and determine where we went wrong and where we should go from there. This means removing the rose colored glasses, taking a cool sip of water, and being honest with ourselves as a collective. Then maybe once and for all we can admit that Clarissa Explains It All had horrible acting and that Ice Ice Baby is on par with Baby Baby Baby (oohh!!).

Doing right in the face of oppression

For a while now I have loved reading dystopian novels. Mainly because it deals with a brave individual who fights for what is right despite opposition and oppression. The Hunger Games, Matched Series, The Uglies series, etc. I love the story of those who realize that their world isn't all that they want it to be and fight for a change. I love even more the Uglies series in which all the main character wants to do is fit in and yet is constantly challenged with the fact that "fitting in" would result in giving up an integral part of herself.

This Christmas I finally saw Lincoln. There were two things that hit me very hard in this movie that I hope I remember forever 1) war is personal. Maybe if we still fought hand to hand, had to see every face inches from your own when we killed, we would not be so eager to jump into the fray. I am sure those who have been in combat can attest to the horrors but that is another topic for another post. The second thing I realized was 2) Lincoln had a very very hard job to do and sometimes we forget that to some this was not seen an obvious wrong that needed to be righted. Half of the country was opposed, some of them within Lincoln's own party.

We live with the fact that the Northern States won over the Southern Confederation every day. You might not know it but each morning we wake up, 50 states undivided, and continue with our lives. Growing up I had an interracial couple for my backdoor neighbors. We played with their kids, got pushed on the swings by their grandfather affectionately known as Grandpa Joe to the neighborhood kids, and really none of this seemed out of place. How can you think that something is unique if it is the only thing that you have ever known. I didn't realize then and I am just realizing now the enormity of what has been accomplished.

I only have the movie to go on (which probably had some dramatizing involved so I apologize for any inaccuracies) but Lincoln pushed through the 13th Amendment with the threat (yes threat) of peace over his head. Lincoln used the civil war as leverage to push that in the eyes of the law ALL men are created equal. Now we won't get into Jim Crow laws or the following struggle to have this amendment reflected in society (and the racism that is still evident in parts of our country) but this is amazing. The first time the constitution mentions slavery is to reflect that it was illegal.

In the books I read there are obvious sides. In life this is not the case. President Lincoln was a leader of a great Nation and he was fighting even those within his own party to right the wrong. The main characters in the book only have to fight those that would oppress them. Lincoln, by what I saw in the movie, could have made peace ended the war, demanded surrender terms, and maintained his good standing with those who trusted him to act in their stead. Instead he fought for those that had no voice. He pushed off ending the war, killing many more men, to ensure that we could move forward as a Nation that would not have slavery.

With hindsight there are clear sides to this issue but those same people who stood on either side of this issue also stood next to their oppositions on other issues. This has always been the case and will continue to be the case in the future. Issues do not stand alone in a vacuum. I wish they did. But I have come to realize that nothing will be as clear cut as it is in the books. Changing one thing changes the whole. This is hardly addressed in these books because the clean up after the change is almost as hard as the change itself. America can attest to that.

 Looking back I can applaud Lincoln for what he did, how could I not? But what if my son, brother, father, or husband died in that last battle while he pushed off peace? What if I lost my home, living, family, or life in the pursuit of it? Would I applaud? I don't know. I would like to think that I would have said it was worth it. That the price I and others had to pay was worth what was gained. What if I fought for the other side? What if I thought that the southern economy would not survive? If I had to pay such a great price and still at the end of the war, lose the world that I had known, would I have applauded even if I opposed slavery?

I can't answer these questions. I have never been challenged in such a way. Maybe I read those books to be more like the heroes and heroines. So that if the time comes when I need to pay the price I can look back and say it was worth it.

What I am thankful for

November has always, at least for Americans, been a time where we can reflect on what we have and be thankful. Many people over social media, blogs, and vlogs, have been doing their day to day remembrances and I want to join in the fun. Unfortunately I can't be a daily blogger (sorry) but I can be a  one time blogger so here we go - The 7 things I am most thankful for.

1) My safety. Sandy and then Athena have shown me how blessed I am to have been spared even the mild inconvenience of a power outage. My heart hurts for those that have lost their homes and mementos. I wish I could do more than to send supplies and clothes. 

2) Amazing roommates. I am living with two of my good friends from College. It is great not having to get to know them on a base level. I have lived with Caitlin in the past and while it took some time to get used to it again we have hit our rhythm. Learning to live with Dana has been fun. While Caitlin and I are similar in many ways - Dana is the complete opposite from me and it has been a joy to get to learn new ways of doing things and getting to see the world the way that Dana does.

3) My Family of course :) I have always held that my family is one of the best out there (as I am sure many people do). I have grandparents that have nothing but pride in their grandchildren and simply enjoy watching us grow and become our own people. I have aunts and uncles that enjoy seeing their families and having crazy Dutch Blitz or Spades games. I have Cousins with whom I thoroughly enjoy spending time. Even though I am 4+ years older than all of them, age never seems to matter when we are together.

I have parents that have supported me and my siblings regardless of our actions and delight not only in their kids but in each other. They are my example of Happily Ever after. They make love real. Katie is my opposite in every way. Where I am reserved she is outgoing. Where she is spontaneous I am planned. We spark each other. In our youth these sparks became fights. Now in our adulthood they (mostly) mean a thorough adventure. Katie says we go and I find a way to get us there. Kristen is who I aspire to be. She is confident in who she is. She is quirky and fun and humble and outrageous. She frequently acknowledges her hate of spelling and then says that it instilled in her a knowledge that some things have to be fought for. John is the lynch pin of our family. He is truly spoiled. We didn't realize what our family was missing until he came along. He is fun and sweet and love sports and is so smart that he makes me sick. And popular. That kid walks into a room and everyone wants to be his friend. 

4) The boat that is my car. The Caddy has taken good care of me though you can't really same of me for it. It is a well made car and I don't think that I will need a new car for another couple of years which means that, hopefully, I will have enough saved up to just pay cash for a new one.

5) My Job. I got my job in the middle of the worst part of the economic downturn. Luckily I was a part of a program that was trying to get off the ground and it was spearheaded by the CFO. I had a job when people I graduated with were fighting tougher and tougher competition to get what jobs there were and the number of those jobs had dropped dramatically. Through that program I got to do something I love, auditing, and auditing has taken me to the west coast, Canada, South America, and Asia. The travel is tough and I complain about it some but some people never leave their home town and I feel extremely lucky to experience new cultures (biggest lesson I have learned: Argentines REALLY do not like that Las Malvinas are under the British Crown).

6) My Faith. And for so many reason and much bigger reasons than the one I am going to put here but if it wasn't for my faith I would be a push over. No really. I am a people pleaser to the extreme. If it wasn't for the faith that I believe in, and my need to actually defend and stand up for it, I might have compromised on a lot of issues that aren't even related to my faith. 

7) Penn State. College is where I decided to come into my own. I made friends with a ton of great people, lost a friend for a while, had a boyfriend, and shortly after graduation got a tattoo. Got an amazing education. Learned to have school spirit (never had it in middle school or high school). Most of all, I became Jessie. I was on my own and making my own decisions. I admitted my love of hip hop, country, sci fi, and other genres of reading beyond romance. Though I continue to grow, Penn State is where I stepped out of my parents house and started taking responsibility for myself. Those 4 1/2 years were amazing and I wouldn't trade them for anything.